I had the strangest dream last night. It started with me being chased around the Microsoft campus in Redmond (which I’ve never been to) by Godfather-esque midgets with machine guns. Yeah, I know… I don’t know what to make of it, either. But when I woke, it hit me like birdshot from Dick Cheney’s hunting rifle: Forget SQL Server, Excel’s the answer.
The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I mean, really, what can SQL Server do that Excel cannot?
Store Large Amounts of Data
Sure, SQL Server may be able to hold billions upon billions of rows of data, but who really stores that much data? And even if you ARE storing that much data, then chances are you aren’t really *using* all of it. Scale down, and use Excel. Did you know Excel 2007 can now hold 1 million rows per worksheet? It’s true. And if you have 2 million rows to store, you can always just create another worksheet.
Manage Relational Objects
Pfft, have you ever tried to get data out of a normalized table? You have to do all of these annoying joins. But now that Excel supports up to 16,000 columns, I can just flatten out my tables into one easy-to-use worksheet. Why query when you can filter?
Provide High Availability and Redundancy
Sure, you *can* create a highly available and redundant system in SQL Server, but do you know how much time and money that takes? Plus, do you know how many people create backups without ever testing them, only to find out in the midst of a critical restore that their backup strategy doesn’t even work? It happens all the time. Really, the whole backup process is overly complicated, what with full, differential, and transaction log back-ups, simple and full recovery modes. In Excel, you can just right-click, copy, and paste.
Perform Extensive Analysis and Data Mining
Two words for you: Pivot Table.
It seems like such an obvious answer, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it years ago! Ah well, I think it’s time to cut my losses and start moving my 2 TB’s worth of data into Excel. Be sure to keep an eye out for my new site, ExcelFool.com, coming soon!
Note: Yes, this is just an April Fool’s Day post. I love SQL Server almost as much as I love my husband and my iPhone.